A Sunday Sleepover and Conflicting Stories

Catherine Pearlman
Fri, 20 Apr 2018 21:00:00 -0700
Lifestyle

Dear Family Coach: My 14-year-old daughter was invited to a birthday pool party at a local resort. It's being held on a Sunday night. The girls are expected to sleep over and miss school on Monday. I told my daughter she could attend the party but I would be picking her up at 10:30 p.m. Of course, she threw a fit. Am I being unreasonable? — Party Pooper

Dear Pooper: First things first, who throws a sleepover party for ninth-graders on a school night? Sleepovers are some of my best childhood memories — up all night, all the chatter with the lights off, the late-night snacks, the secrets. It's a special time. And I don't necessarily disagree with kids missing school here and there for fun events. Life is short. But missing school to attend a birthday party doesn't quite meet the bar.
Updated: Sat Apr 21, 2018

Dear Family Coach: My 14-year-old daughter was invited to a birthday pool party at a local resort. It's being held on a Sunday night. The girls are expected to sleep over and miss school on Monday. I told my daughter she could attend the party but I would be picking her up at 10:30 p.m. Of course, she threw a fit. Am I being unreasonable? — Party Pooper

Dear Pooper: First things first, who throws a sleepover party for ninth-graders on a school night? Sleepovers are some of my best childhood memories — up all night, all the chatter with the lights off, the late-night snacks, the secrets. It's a special time. And I don't necessarily disagree with kids missing school here and there for fun events. Life is short. But missing school to attend a birthday party doesn't quite meet the bar.

That being said, I think there are ways to make this work out for your daughter, if you so choose. You could put your foot down and continue with your 10:30 plan. She will be angry. She will bombard you with the typical teen rant: You will be the worst mother. Everyone else is allowed to sleep there. Why do you have to be so unreasonable? The backlash will be fierce. She's entitled to be upset, so give her some space. When she sees you aren't budging, she will decide to go and enjoy what she can before she has to go home.

Alternatively, you could let her sleep over but let her know you will have to pick her up before school. This is pretty undesirable for you and her, but it's an option. She will be exhausted and have a fairly crappy day. But it could be her choice.

Sometimes parenting is all joy. This isn't going to be one of those times.

Dear Family Coach: My 9-year-old daughter's friends seem to behave one way around adults but a completely different way around my daughter. These friends tell my daughter they do not want to play with her or are no longer her friend. But the adults in these girls' lives have no idea what is going on and still invite my daughter over. Another time, my daughter told me her friend hates dragons, but the parent told me the opposite when I asked about what to buy for a birthday present. Why do I receive such mixed messages, and who should I believe? — Mixed-Up Mom

Dear Mixed Up: While you seem to have a close relationship with your chatty daughter, other parents don't share the same luxury. Their kids keep everything close to the vest, so they may not be well-informed of the recent changes. Additionally, some parents only see what they want to see. When they look at their children, they envision loving little beings who include everyone. Reality often looks very different.

Complicating matters is the fact that kids are fickle. They have vacillating interests, friendships, likes and dislikes. Around fourth grade, friendships start to shift as well. Parents engineer play dates when kids are little. But around your daughter's age, kids start to want to make their own choices. Some parents just haven't caught on to this fact yet.

Your daughter, who is spending many more hours with these children, will likely have a more accurate vantage point than some of these adults. If there is a discrepancy, I'd say believe your daughter.